It’s hard to believe it’s been almost 3 months since I started this blog.  We’ve (our family) come a long way since then.  I was in the “overwhelm” back then, trying to balance (unsuccessfully) work, Dean’s allergies, the division of labor at home, time for myself, and all the other things that fill up that precious thing we call time.  For me, there is never enough time.  When Matt and I were dating, I once said, “Uh, why can’t the day be 36 hours instead of 24?”  (There is always “one more thing” that I want to do before bed.)  He laughed and said, “Do you think that will make a difference?  You’d just find 12 more hours of stuff to do.”  Hmm, he knows me well.  It was also time to face the fact that I had to prioritize freeing up time to start cooking all of Dean’s meals from scratch.  Unfortunately, the days of the quick jarred or pouched single or few ingredient baby foods were no longer cutting it.  The question was how?

At the time, I was easily working 55-hour weeks in a fairly stressful environment.  It was routine that I’d stay up until 1 or 2 AM at least twice a week working since I’m usually in meetings 9-5 most days; it’s difficult to get emails read or work done during the day.  Pre-Dean, this was actually fine with me, and I truly didn’t mind it.  I both love what I do and think I’m pretty damn good at it so my job is a win-win situation.  Plus, my career is very important to me and is a real part of my identity.  In order for me to keep up with my job however, I had hired a personal assistant to help me with things (running errands, cleaning makeup brushes, weather proofing my leather shoes, etc.)  When weeks were really hectic, we also relied on a meal service (they do the menu, grocery shopping, chopping and prepping, and you do the cooking).  It was great because Matt could follow the recipes and do the cooking so when I got home with the kids, dinner was ready.  When needed, we also had the luxury to rely on prepped foods from Whole Foods, prepped salads from Trader Joe’s, and of course, there was always eating out or delivery.  Once Dean turned 14 months, all that changed.  Most of the meal services didn’t work because of the ingredient limitations, I was too nervous about cross-contamination at the Whole Foods deli section, and eating out/delivery were way too scary for the same reason.  He couldn’t eat half of the items at daycare so we were bringing in food there too or planning an alternate menu with the cafeteria head every week.  And every time we’d go somewhere, someone’s house for a party, BBQ, etc., we always had to bring food there too.  There was literally no relief in sight.  I went from loving cooking to hating it.

What deepened this hate was the fact that my cooking felt restricted.  For as long as I can remember, when I’m finally at the point when I’m ready to unwind for the day and crawl into bed, the last thing I do before I turn the light out is enjoy some mindless alone time flipping through cooking magazines looking at recipes.  These days, Pinterest serves the same purpose.  I would literally look through my monthly Food & Wine magazine, see an interesting recipe and think, “Oh wait, that won’t work.  Can’t cook that one either.  Nope, not that one too.”  Looking at recipes stopped being fun and my “unwind.”  Instead, it was another reminder of how difficult food had become.  I didn’t look at a magazine for weeks, maybe months.  On top of being overwhelmed, my stress reliever had become a stress inducer.

I grieved, I was angry, I felt alone (no one understands what I’m going through, including my husband because the food has always been my responsibility – I’m a trained chef for crying out loud!).  How has it become that something I once loved so much has now become just another “chore” on the never-ending to do list?  Things were so bad, I thought I was literally going to lose it.  I contemplated taking a leave from work because I was so overwhelmed, I just could not cope, and I knew something had to give.  But when you’re so busy, it’s difficult to decide what when you don’t even have time to think.

My head was full of questions, options, contingency plans, trying to figure out the right moves to get to a state of some semblance of sanity but every time I ran through an option in my mind, I just couldn’t get myself on board.  Q: Should I go part-time and have one day of the week reserved for recipe planning, grocery shopping, and cooking?  A: But I really don’t want to go part-time.  Part of “being Jennifer” is working full-time.  Q (from Matt): Should we get a nanny?  There would be less time spent with drop-offs/pick-ups (majority of which I do), daycare menu planning and substitutions, unpacking/repacking, snacks and toys for commute, and maybe she can cook some meals too.  A: But Kate thrived in daycare.  I just can’t get over not offering the same experience to Dean.  It makes me feel like he’s getting gypped.  And Kate is too old to be home now.  It’s more expensive to have a nanny and one in school.  We can’t afford that.  Q: Should we hire a personal chef?  A: I can’t hire a personal chef.  When people think of “Jennifer”, when I think of “Jennifer,” they/I think food!  I can’t outsource the one thing that defines me.

I was floundering, and I was being stubborn.  This change, I realized, had less to do about cooking but more to do with the fact that for me to free up time, I had to reprioritize.  And for me to reprioritize, I had to give up some part of myself, some part of my identity.  Either I had to decrease my responsibilities at work or I had to give up my “chefness” (I say chef in quotes since I’m trained as a chef but actually not one career-wise.  Truth be told, I’m actually just a really good trained and knowledgeable cook.)  Or, gasp, I had to actually start being a mom, a REAL mom.  One who had to do things like putting her family first.  I know this seems obvious but for me, it’s not.  I’ve never been one of those women who always knew they wanted to be a mom.  I had a friend who once told me she’s wanted kids since she was in high school.  I must have looked at her like she had 3 heads.  I didn’t even know that a feeling like that was possible in high school!  So for some reason, for me, being a real mom meant losing some part of the real me.

And it was difficult for me to want to change some part of my identity to reprioritize.  Because another large part of my identity is that I’ve also always prided myself on being someone who can tackle it all – if I can’t do this, no one can.  If someone tells me that something can’t be done, I instantly think, “Watch me.”  And this rang very true once I became a mom, a working mom at that.  Up until this pivotal moment, I was able to do it all.  I had a very successful demanding high-power career, I went out multiple times a week, I worked out (yoga, tennis volleyball), I still kept in touch with friends and family (never as much as I like but still more than most), and Matt and I still went on vacations and lots of date nights sans kids.  And there, just like that, was the harsh realization.  I, Jennifer Clark, in fact, cannot do it all.  And another feeling came with it, if I can’t do it all, then that means no working female mom can.  Crazy, I know, right?  But sometimes, I think like that.  And once I was able to admit it, I moved on.  I got my head out of my ass and woke up.  I got over my anger, my grief, my self-pity, and I started fighting.  I started a blog, I went to see a counselor, I joined allergy support facebook groups, I started researching food substitutions, I pinned paleo and gluten-free recipes, I talked to anyone and everyone who knew someone who had a child with a food allergy.  You name it, I did it.

And I made the decision to cut back at work.  I had to set new boundaries of how much I could take on.  Whatever I can get done during the day is what I can do.  I realize I no longer have the time nor energy to log back in after 10:00 once the kids are all fed, bathed, read to, tucked in, and snacks are packed, bags are unpacked and repacked, Matt and I have connected for 15 minutes, eaten our own dinner, packed our lunches, and done the dishes.  Instead, I actually check my gmail and response to friends and family, get items off the personal to do (I no longer have a personal assistant), I get more sleep, and I actually have “down” time, something I realize I really need to be a better mom and wife after a long day.  Sure, there’s the occasional night or weekend that I still have to log in but it’s now more the exception than the norm.

And we started cooking.  I no longer have to tackle it on my own.  I plan the menu, use a great website called Plan to Eat to store recipes and create consolidated grocery lists, Matt does the grocery shopping, and we now cook together when we can.  If it’s a weekend we don’t have plans, we try to reserve Friday night to crack open a good bottle of wine, catch up from the week, unwind, and cook together.  Since I have great knife skills, I usually do all the prepping while Matt does most of the hands-on cooking with my supervising (of course) and tasting.  We bang everything out for the entire week so we don’t have to think about it the rest of the weekend nor after a long day at work.  Just reheat and go.  It’s actually been kind of fun, and I don’t stress as much about having sole responsibility for everything food-related.  It’s more of an “at home” date night.

And I’ve started to enjoy cooking again.  It’s been fun to look at recipes in a new light, finding ways to alter recipes to work for us, and cooking with alternate ingredients and diets.  I’m learning in the process, and I like the challenge.  Mostly, I feel better about what we’re putting into our bodies and when I see Dean eat, I smile.  Because he is the kid who can’t eat anything but eats everything.

I’ve always thought that things happen for a reason.  Even though it’s always bothered me that I’ve never yet done anything with my culinary degree, it’s been extremely helpful in maneuvering this world of food allergies.  I feel so equipped to tackle it head on now that my head is in a good place.  If anyone can do this, it is me!  And maybe I needed this to make me realize how important my role is in these little people’s lives.  I’m becoming more comfortable with the idea of identifying myself as “mom.”  The 2 separate people I once saw as “Jennifer” and “mom” are slowly becoming one, and I’m getting to be OK with that.

Who knew when I started this blog, that it would be as much of a journey about myself and life’s priorities in addition to food allergies.  I’ve come a long way baby!

Dean enjoying homemade spaghetti sauce with quinoa pasta.